Begins the Return

This new moon, this season, whatever is in the air has me going THROUGH it lately. I actually got sick for a couple of days because my body was silently screaming "No, that's enough, we're done." 

In the midst of having a semi panic attack earlier last week, my mother calls. Our relationship is complicated and layered and brings me a lot of sadness to be honest. Something in me nudged me to pick up the phone. So, I did. Then I wept. I just broke down. The weight of so many things felt so heavy-- my shoulders gave way. 

I do not like to cry. Not that I don't cry, I cry pretty easily when witnessing random everyday moments in life. I once started bawling when I saw an older man on the side of a road selling honey. I've teared up driving and the sunlight is glistening on fields, and the clouds are whisper thin and birds swoop in arches that feels like a spontaneous dance. I've cried watching the ocean waves lapping against the dark rock walls of the Oregon coast. I am a deeply sensitive person, but I prefer to cry over beauty. Crying because I am stressed? I absolutely hate that. 

I allowed myself to feel everything I was feeling. Mother prayed, I listened. I'm not a religious person (my mother is, very much so) though I appreciate that she does not pressure me to believe what she believes in but does try to encourage me to at least get back into the habit of praying. That, I can do and will do.

After all the crying, I felt like the life force got sucked out of me. I went home, put on pajamas, and consoled myself with watching the Addams Family (c. 1991) for the 100th time before falling asleep.

A couple days later, I had a sweet conversation with my sister who reminded me that I have accomplished so much and in such a short span of time. I needed to hear that. I am my absolute worst critic and there is some inner workings that does not allow me to stop and take stock of what I have done. It is a constant "All right, I've done that, let's do the next thing." I have been like this all my life. I set the bar, meet the bar, and then I raise it. No one does this for me-- I also would not pay attention or care if someone else set the bar for me. I have always only competed with myself.  

The small breakdown I had was cathartic. I wasn't expecting it to be. But it was. It allowed me to release so many expectations and guard rails I had set for myself. With the current tariffs imposed on Indian made goods now set at 50%, this drastically affects Atèlette and the projected growth we were planning for. I don't know if and/or when the tariffs will be lifted or changed, but as of right now, it has forced me to adjust my sails. The path that I was starting to pave, is gone. 

I told my sister (and my husband)-- they are the two people that support me the most, that I needed to go through that small breakdown so my body would not hold on to it. So that, if shit does hit the fan, I had already gone through the first wave of emotions. I can weather it. I just need to adjust the direction my feet are going. And the destination is shifting a bit too. 

So, it isn't back to square one, we're not wiping the drawing board clean, rather, we're beginning a return to the source. The source of where all of Atèlette stems from. I have been so excited about this altered path I haven't slept well the last couple of days. Just have so many ideas. Full of hope, a little scared, but also just feeling like I shed an old skin. 

Sometimes you need to get to the precipice of the mountain and see how far you could fall, to realize how far you've come, to realize you can turn back and retrace your steps, that you can climb to the top a different way, there's another path. Have faith you'll make it through. Say a little prayer. Take a deep breath. Fly.