Conditions of Friendship

This may be controversial of an opinion and perhaps maybe unpopular, but I have been musing about this for the last couple of weeks and wanted to lay these thoughts out somewhere, instead of it just simmering in my own head. 

It is my personal opinion that unconditional friendships are actually not good for you. I used to think it was noble to be friends with someone unconditionally, because that meant you were truly a friend. Then I started realizing that being friends with someone without conditions is actually kind of toxic and isn't healthy for either party.

In recent years, I have really just thrown the word "friend" around willy nilly. There have been so many people that I've crossed paths with that have not earned that role in my life and because I lacked the vocabulary (I still do) I just salt and peppered the word around so nonchalantly. But most of these people are not my friends. They're acquaintances. They're collegues. They're friends of friends. They're people I brush shoulders with once in a while because we are in similar fields. But they are not friends.

Perhaps you are similar to me and really long for a deep friendship with a kindred soul. A bosom friend. A Diana to your Anne. A Sam to your Frodo. A Ron to your Harry. But what makes someone a friend? When does someone become a friend? Truly a friend? When we were younger it was much simpler. You went to the same school, had the same classes, probably lived in the same neighborhood. 

As adults, it's much different. I often hear from women how difficult it is to make friends as you get older. Where do you even meet people to become friends? As a grown woman, you can't exactly walk up to someone at the farmer's market and say "Hi, I love your dress and see you also appreciate supporting local organic farmers. Want to be friends?" I mean, you COULD, but you won't and most likely you don't.

I am someone that never had issues making "friends"--I have a natural curiosity and genuine interest in people. I can talk to mostly anyone about mostly anything. I'm easy going, I've been told I'm funny, and I have a warm and inviting spirit. I've been told often I'm quite amiable and without an iota of arrogance, I agree, I am! I think being Filipino is a big part of this friendliness and warmth to be honest, it's in our DNA.

The trouble though, at least it has been for my own life, is being amiable and open has often led me to being taken advantage of. I'm a good listener so I have been used often as a dumping ground for emotional turmoil without the reciprocal "Well, how about you? What's going on with you?" or the very least "Thank you for letting me unload and carrying some of this for me..." 

It's always been "Oh, I feel so much better!" or "Augh, wow, I lost track of time, must dash!"

After a while, you (and by you I mean me, but maybe also you if you've been nodding along while reading my meandering thoughts) just start feeling like an unappreciated doormat.

Do you know the story The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein? I used to like it, but about 5 years ago I reread it, and I was like "Wait a minute! The tree just gave and gave and gave! And has nothing to show for it!" I was so upset for the tree. All of the unconditional ways it was there for that selfish boy who just took from the tree and gave nothing back!

I thought about some of the friendships in my life and realized, "Oh dear, am I the tree!? I'm the tree..."

When I realized this, I started distancing myself from my friendships. And it wasn't just the feeling of being "used up", for lack of a better term, but realizing the friendships I had in my life weren't what I wanted anymore, but I didn't exactly know what it was I wanted. Though, I knew what I didn't want. 

I thought an unoriginal thought "Maybe finding friends should be like dating." There are certain conditions that have to be met before you call someone your romantic partner, why not have these same conditions for friends? Which led me to thinking, "Well, when does someone earn the title of Friend to you?" 

According to scientific studies, it takes roughly 40-60 hours of time spent together for a causal relationship/friendship. We don't have a word for this in friend world. So, I suppose   acquaintance still has to suffice, but they're more than that. Then 80-100 hours to become good friends. Then 200 hours to become close friends.

And this isn't just being in the same space, this is time spent together engaging in genuine conversations, things past surface level. Friendships take time. It takes time to make a friend. And once you're nearing friendship level or are in early stages, you must maintain the friendship but in different ways. Becoming a friend means showing up consistently. I also think friends should serve a role or purpose in your life and not every single friend will or should serve that role for you. Friendships should have peaks and valleys. Friendships may have seasons.

You must define the conditions of your friendships. It's not bad to have conditions and to check in and see if the friendships in your life are still meeting or not meeting these conditions. Maybe your conditions have changed because you need something more or something different as you've evolved. Maybe your friend is going through the same thing, and you may be the one that is stuck. You can also have conditions on someone's traits and personality as a friend. You would do it for a romantic partner, why not a friend? You should be getting something out of a friendship if you also give into that friendship. Friendships are give and take. As someone who has always given and given, one of my main conditions now for a Friend is if this relationship doesn't feel reciprocal in the give and take, then this relationship doesn't move forward into a friendship. Simple as that.