Mindfulness: Expectation vs. Reality

I have so much I want to talk about that I cannot even pin down what direction I want this journal entry to go towards. All the topics feel related and yet discorded. It's all stemming from the fact that this past week I have been so mindful and so intentional about what I let into my life and what I am giving my energy to so that I have more room and space to process everything going on around me. 

Well, I must be doing an incredible job of this new minimalism mindset because something I did not expect was all the extra "room" means old hurts and issues I thought I had worked through are coming back up to the surface. Shit! I was not expecting this! For the first time in two years (which was the last time I was in therapy), I thought to myself "I probably need to get back into therapy again."

I came across a post on instagram that said: "The things that trigger you is an indication of your hurts you haven't healed." That resonated, hard. And since I have been so mindful about everything else in my life, I have had a lot more time to think and process. 

Of course this is what I wanted, right? Right?! What I was not prepared for was having time to process things I thought I was over. Apparently...not. I'm laughing a little to myself because as always, I tend to think of only really obvious positive outcomes. Like, "Oh you're going to have time to finally start that clay project or paint those dozen wooden candlesticks you bought three months ago."

And instead, all of this room means I'm tearing up at brunch while talking to my husband about my mother issues and the bittersweet realization that I have had to mother my own self and have always mothered others, but no one has really ever been a mother figure to me. Then I thought, maybe there have been women in my life that did try, but I pushed them away, and oh crap "what does that mean?"

The realization that perhaps I have always kept myself so busy and so preoccupied was because I have been using it as an excuse to not have time to process and heal. That hit me like a ton of bricks and this weekend I cried twice over things that felt really silly and small, but I knew the root was deeper, much deeper. 

Do I dig in? Do I grit my teeth (I'm literally gritting my teeth right now, clearly this is very uncomfortable) and just scream "Ok, I'm going in!" running scared but gathering as much strength and bravery as I can muster?

Read it again: "The things that trigger you is an indication of your hurts you haven't healed." 

I realized my triggers are all related in some way. I really did think I had worked through them, but it's funny how having more room in my heart, spirit, and mind, awakened some deep slumbering beasts. The lessons, oh the lessons. So many lessons. 

Cover Image: Louis-Maurice Boutet de Monvel (1850-1913), Tableau d’une sirène, 1885